how i work with couples

How I Work With Couples
People come to couples therapy for many different reasons. Some arrive in the middle of a crisis. Others feel stuck, disconnected, or unsure how to move forward. Some want to strengthen something that already matters to them. Wherever you are, my first goal is the same: to help you feel oriented, supported, and able to move forward together.  My approach to working with couples is designed to help you learn how to manage and develop your relationship over time—not just address what feels broken in the moment.

This document is meant to give you a sense of how I approach the work, what you can expect from me, and what role you play in the process.

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Why I Start the Way I Do
Early in the process, my focus is on helping things feel more stable and workable. That may mean slowing conversations down, helping each of you feel heard, or creating enough structure that difficult topics don’t spiral into conflict or shutdown.
I assume you’re dealing with something hard, important, or meaningful—and that learning how to handle it well matters.  I don’t assume something is “wrong” with you because you’re here.  But we also need to address any struggles you are having that influence the situation you are asking me to help you resolve.
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My Role — and Yours
Think of this work like training or coaching rather than something that is done to you.
My role is to:
•    guide and structure conversations
•    help you notice patterns you may not see on your own
•    step in when discussions get stuck or overheated
•    offer direction, tools, or exercises when they’re likely to help
Your role is to:
•    show up honestly
•    try new ways of responding
•    decide how much effort you want to put in outside of sessions
Just like a coach isn’t the one playing the game, I’m not the one living your relationship. This is something you are doing. I’m here to support, collaborate, and direct when needed—but the work itself belongs to you.
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How Sessions Are Used
Sessions here are active and intentional. We don’t just talk about problems—we work with them in real time.
You can expect that I may:
•    interrupt or redirect conversations
•    ask you to slow down or say something differently
•    invite you to respond in new ways
•    help you practice skills during the session
If I step in or structure the conversation, it’s not because you’re doing something wrong. It’s because learning new ways of interacting often requires guidance and practice before it feels natural.
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Between Sessions: Choice, Not Obligation
Many people wonder how much work they are “supposed” to do between sessions.
The short answer is: it’s flexible.
Some couples like having things to reflect on, read, or practice between meetings. Others—especially early on—don’t have the capacity or desire to do much outside of sessions. Both approaches are okay.
When it makes sense, I’ll often offer a menu of possible exercises, reflections, or resources. You can use as much or as little of that as fits your life right now. Doing work between sessions can accelerate change, but it is not a requirement.
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How Progress Happens Here
I approach marriage as something people learn how to do well, not just something that either works or doesn’t.
Over time, most couples benefit from:
•    understanding their own patterns
•    learning how to stay connected during difficult moments
•    practicing ways of repairing after conflict
•    building habits that generate closeness, trust, and stability
I often use metaphors from training, sports, nature, navigation, or climbing—not because marriage is a problem to solve, but because it’s something people get better at with clarity, practice, and support.
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How Long This Takes
There’s no fixed timeline for this work.
Rather than deciding everything up front, we work in meaningful arcs. Along the way, we regularly check in about:
•    what’s helping
•    what’s not
•    what you want to focus on next
•    whether the pace or structure should change
The goal isn’t to keep you in therapy. The goal is to help you build the ability to handle things well on your own. Sometimes that means continuing for a while; sometimes it means stepping down or taking breaks. Those decisions are part of the work, not a failure of it.  It is also true that people can use my office like a gym with a personal trainer.  Many couples find that regular meetings, even when stable and happy, accelerate growth and change in other areas of their lives such as finances, parenting, or personal health and wellness.  
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Communication and Support Between Sessions
You’ll receive clear guidance about how to handle scheduling, billing, and logistics, and how to reach out if questions come up between sessions.
If something isn’t working for you—about the process, the pace, or my approach—I want you to tell me directly. You don’t need to figure that out on your own, and you don’t need to disappear if things feel hard.
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One Last Orientation Thought
Many couples eventually discover that one of the most valuable outcomes of therapy isn’t just solving a specific issue—it’s learning how to work on their relationship over time.
My aim is to help you build clarity, strength, and direction so you can keep moving forward long after our work together changes or ends.

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More if interested:  

Some people like to engage actively with optional readings or structured tools outside of sessions. If that’s ever true for you, I keep a separate page that organizes optional self-directed resources. Nothing there is required, and many people never use it—but it’s available if and when it feels useful:

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Prior to 4th session:  Get Started Ideas
Anytime:  Exercises

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